Yeah Darlin' go make it happen

As Steppenwolf once said so well.

It's funny position to be in at the moment. In the one side of my life, I seem to spend a whole lot of time trying to be a backstop, doing stuff like this. Take last night at a restaurant, with friends, Chrissie and Kiethy Baby, Baby Keithy, questions thrown at me included, when are you going to Tarifa again ? are you still thinking of moving house ? what have you and Thumper got planned for late August, because we want to have a party?

Almost schizophrenically, I spent most of yesterday morning and afternoon with the Pipmeister, making love, eating food and this too. Crucially, however, life with Pip is containing increasing amounts of what I'm beginning to call future statements.

One of the things I know stalled our initial relationship was the lack of these. The idea that one should NOT, under any circumstances set up false expectations was always in my mind from day one when I was in the position of (what we social workers call) cognitive dissonance.

Now, our brief, partial and limited time together is suffused positively with these. Examples include

The use of Saturdays

The use of Sundays

What to do in the week

Places to go, see, smell, touch, taste, hear

Things we'll do together

Things we'll do apart

What to eat

What to drink

What to buy

What to plan

How to do this, How to do that.

Endless stuff that now feels like we have a proper future together. Something to believe in. Something to hold on to and, as Steppenwolf says

Get your motor runnin'

Head out on the highway

Lookin' for adventure

And whatever comes our way

Yeah Darlin' go make it happen

Take the world in a love embrace

Fire all of your guns at once

And explode into space

I like smoke and lightning

Heavy metal thunder

Racin' with the wind

And the feelin' that I'm under

Yeah Darlin' go make it happen

Take the world in a love embrace

Fire all of your guns at once

And explode into space

Like a true nature's child

We were born, born to be wild

We can climb so high

I never wanna die

Born to be wild Born to be wild

JVIP

Caught in a world full of tears !

Where I live, we're all supposed to be on, what the BBC calls (rather bizarrely) "Standby" I'm ever ready, therefore, to do my bit. Quite what this means I'm not sure but if it involves wearing waders, include me out.

So............ last night was just unsettling and I felt disconnected from my environment. Thumper Say's, "are you coming to Tarifa Feria in September ?" I looked back a bit lamely and said "I don't know yet" She Say's, "Well what are you going to do then" I said, "I said I don't know yet....leave it with me" So difficult.

I guess you could call that an opportunity to move myself forward. It would have been reactive though and not the best time. Although I do stand up on this and have to be reactive sometimes, when you're emotionally involved in a thing it's best (probably) to pick the moment when both people are feeling pretty level......... isn't it ?

Anyway, the moment passed. She went to bed early and I, mercifully, had a quiet evening doing stuff on here. Soon there will be tears.

On Sunday, at the end of the most perfect love making session ever in my whole life, Pip and I sat across the table from one another drinking stuff. She, Red Wine, me Red J20 (because I was driving my mid-life crisis)

I said "try mixing the two and see what they taste like ?"

She did and liked the mixture. (No accounting for taste I guess) We said, we need to find a name for this because in Spain they have this and this

So if anyone wants to have a go at that, bearing in mind all the sociological aspects of this case, please let me know ?

Making love with Pip is like entering into a world where you never want things to end. She is, by some way, the greatest technician (not sure about that word-but hey), the most completely understanding of lovers and, importantly, in possession of the loveliest "clever-head" that makes intimacy the absolute joy of joys.

In other news, this guy died today. Back in the day, he wrote this which seems about right for my moment today.

These are the words for those that are struggling with their broadband. It's a great song huh ?

Think about that drink and let me know please ?

JVIP

every picture tell's a story don't it ?

So......here I am. Ensconced in the bosom of my family. Today has been a cracking day at work. I really enjoyed the whole day. Pip has issues going on in her work and has coped with them admirably. She's quite amazing.

Gonna talk more tomorrow, when I have time to post properly.

This, this and this. Are likely to be mentioned. Er.....not sure about the ties. I'm more of this type of guy.

JVIP

Welcome home, welcome.

Is a song by Peters and Lee that says a lot about feeling safe and sound.

Or, in Pipspeak, SNS.

At about 12.27 last night, I received a text saying the following "Home SNS, I'm so gonna love this"

This morning at about 5.30ish, I texted her with "I bet you've finished it"

When I woke up, there was this "Fell asleep, too pissed"

I said "Can meet you on MSN in a min ?"

She Say's " Er, I'm reading. Could you bear it if we don't"

I said "It's a matter for you xxxxxxxxxxx"

Of course its the HP thing. Utter bloody Pip Madness !

Had this been another day and we hadn't spent some quality time together just a day or so ago and pledged to love each other for ever and ever, I would have predicted (quite confidently) the PipMiester (although not this one) might have found herself behind the computer to talk to the old bear.

As it is, she's had her way with me and now feels safe enough to dive into the world of Potter without fear of rejection. It is a scandal.

In associated news there is this

Burbage dies on pg. 12

Hedwig dies on pg. 56

Mad-Eye dies on pg. 78

Scrimgeour dies on pg. 159

Wormtail dies on pg. 471

Dobby dies on pg. 476

Snape dies on pg. 658

Fred Weasley dies on pg. 637

Harry gets fucked up by Voldemort on pg. 704

but comes back to life on pg. 724

Tonks, Lupin, and Colin Creevy have their

deaths confirmed on pg. 743

19 years after the events in the book:

Ron has married Hermione, their two children are named Rose and Hugo

Harry has married Ginny, their three children are named Lily, James, and Albus Severus.

Draco Malfoy has a son named Scorpius,

The epilogue shows all of the children boarding the train for Hogwarts together.

The final lines of the book are: "The scar had not pained Harry for 18 years. All was well."

"NOT MY DAUGHTER YOU BITCH!" Molly Weasley, to Bellatrix lestrange, P. 736

Love to her above all things

JVIP

Up and down the city road

Class. It is an issue init ? For example, I don't exactly believe all I read about it. Here's what schools teach children, for example.

Outside of this guy, nowhere in Britain, in mainstream politics, mainstream literature, newspapers, television, is the German word " Produktionsmittel" being talked about anymore.

What is heartening for me though, is the idea that Britain follows America in everything S/he does. Heartening ?.....why yes ! In America they have stuff like this going on.

Maybe then, well get to see something on British Television soon staring him.

In other news, Pip has decided she's middle class. The basis on which she's done this has been pretty arbitrary but this stuff figures strongly. Pip's Mum and Dad are 50'people. Aspirational, ready to re-build after collapse and, eager to knock down anything with an accent like this. The result is a daughter who thinks this is Middle Class.

Bears from the West Country and, from a similar background, also talk like this and have this in their heart.

So probably, Pip and I, are about the same class wise.

Cep't I'm a bit posher.

JVIP

Message in a bottle

Here's the links to make baby's day something to remember. I know your broadband is knackered but you can keep this for when it isn't. (I was going to put an excamation mark on here but decided not to)

There is also this, this this and this that will assist your passage towards stardom.

You should try to listen to this this and this when you have the time to wait for the bloody download !

So good to talk to a student of music

JVIP

it's just amazing how fair people can be

Sylivia Plath once said this you know.

It occurred to me late last night that my actions in telling Pip I wanted to marry her could be seen as somewhat dubious. The thought being that if I say this thing to her, I then have to do it. This then meaning the moral reasoning around moving from home and abandoning a 17 year relationship, is less bad than lying to someone. I have now created the situation where I have to go ahead and be with her because it's the least worst thing I can do.

There is also the method by which I chose to convey this message of marital permanence. The bloody Internet. Goodness, what a hopeless case I am.

I do think its where we've always talked best. And never mind the fact I put her on the spot. never mind that it had little romance to it, never mind the shock value and never mind the damage I could have caused to our love.

I thought about these things for a bit anyway, and then rejected them mostly, falling back on the Sylvia defence.

Being an amazing dancing bear and dazzling your sweet love is important too isn't it ?

JVIP

Standing in the shadows of love

Once upon a time in Detroit, there was a man who met this man and produced wonderful things.

On their journey to stardom and good fortune they were helped along the way by these people.

The bass guitarist of this outfit was a guy called James Jamerson

There are people on the Internet now who, as a result of this guy, do this.

The genius of Jamerson is that he did all this with one finger because, apparently, he learnt on a stand-up slap bass.

Fascinating huh ?

The results of songs written by Holland Dozier Holland defined soul music for a generation. Let's ask Music Mike shall we ?

I didn't much care for Chairman of the Board TBH. But I do like these and these and these. Mr Gordy did well with all the others. A tune a day. Absolutely amazing. And done on two four-track machines.

In another city, a few hundred miles away, this guy was starting to make music too. He collaborated with this lot to produce this, this and this. The guy who later took on the role of chief axe for these musicians was this guy and, as the clip say's, this is a great song

Finally, Mr Wexler's finest achievement, in my opinion, is this

Complicated old world music is.

In other spheres Pip and I are building again. Its been like this for ages and now its like this

I hope now we (Pip and I) are gonna do this, which brings us back, very neatly, to Mr Jamerson.

One of the true roots people of modern contemporary soul music.

Now his tunes are going to support me through changing times.

JVIP

Hallelujah

Yesterday, I picked up my bike from here. It now runs like a sewing machine. Gone is the shuddering vibration, gone the souring revs, gone the excessive amounts of concentration required to keep the thing on the road. Its now a dream.

To celebrate I took BBB out for about an hour. The first time I've had a passenger on this bike. Think perhaps I'm capable of taking Pip out now.

So, Thumper has her friend JJ here. Not only that, we have JJ's daughter Alicia to stay too. What with BBB here living, it feels like a very busy house.

I cooked and generally "did" for them yesterday. In the middle of the evening, against all planned connections, Pip text ed me.

I called her and then went back into the Melee' As I did so, this was playing on the computer.

Thank God for her intuition. Onwards and upwards.

JVIP

All the way the paperbag was on my knee

These guys can play. And nice guitars !

So yes......I'm back. Back to the snow-peaked mountains, keeping your comrade warm and reality

Reality means thinking about all the hows, cep't in this case its 50 ways to leave (what you thought was) your life partner.

Here's what Paul Say's

"You just slip out the back, Jack

Make a new plan, Stan

You don't need to be coy, Roy

Just get yourself free

Hop on the bus, Gus

You don't need to discuss much

Just drop off the key, Lee

And get yourself free"

Easy in the abstract, tricky and painful in the here-and-now but undoubtedly, something I need to put into place causing the least possible damage to everyone.

I'm stuck on who to tell first. Do I tell everyone except Thumper, or do I tell her before anyone else ? P and D say shore up your resources. Build a social network.

This, unfortunately, doesn't take account of a word Pip uses a lot. Dignity. I must try and conduct this with the dignity of all those involved in mind. Probably then, talk to Thumper first making sure she can then deal with it in the best way for her. I'm going to take advice very shortly on the subject from people who love me and see what they say.

Last evening was a trial. As I said to goodbye to Luce I told her softly I loved her and completely meant every word. I thought,"when this is all done and dusted, I will need you to be very patient with me"

I hope she'll be able to understand in some way that my love for her remains unchanged by events. And it is my life, and my needs, that have changed and not my love of her. Its a sorry, sad and painful tale and I fear I will have to work very hard to re-establishing any understanding between us; maybe I may never manage it and that's a thought to fill me with misery and horror.

The phone goes, its my Mother. I tell her I'm back. She asks about Thumper. I say, "She's OK, you know how she hates flying. We had a nice time" My Mother has sent us £1000 to help us pay for our holiday.

This seems appropriate.

I have to bring this charade to an end somehow. I'll need a strong pair of arms. and, of course, her.

JVIP

Didn´t we have a lovely time......

Ten minutes after posting last night, I received the following text from Pip

"Hang in there little Bear-You´ll Make it"

There is a God then.

Today I went here. The place, run by Nigel and Ginny is in the middle of absolutely nowhere. Drive down the motorway to Algerciras from Tarifa and take a turn up into the hills to Ronda. Then back roads for 30 Ks and then dirt track for 3k. One of these is essential. The flies and the hard nature of the terrain are very sapping.

What N and G are doing is developing the most amazing farm to breed high quality animals for others to buy. Quite clearly they are saying, there is no real European market for wool and the´ve decided breeding animals for sale at (sometimes) in excess of 15K Euro is the best way forward.

We (Thumper, Myself, Rob and Chez) arrived as N and G were about to celebrate the opening of a swimming pool with their builders. We had a glass of something nice and then went to see the animals at the bottom of this huge valley. The temperature was touching 41c ! N and G have been here about 3 years and, like others, have rejected England in favour of a wilder life full of hard work, back-breaking toil and........freedom.

It was really interesting. R and C are hoping to buy about 10 of these lovely little animals to have on their place in Tarifa. They want to produce wool and maybe sell youngsters to other interested people here in Andulacia. It may cost them in excess of Euro25k. They seem very serious about it and think they are going to call the first batch after their friends from England. Sweet huh ?

We went to a country restaurant later and had this. It was delicious.

As we drove towards home, I reflected this could be the last time I´ll ever see these people. When I left them finally, it was with a very heavy heart I did so and I felt a (now familiar and usual) sickening wrench in my guts.

R was a property developer/architect type person who did really well in England during the boom 80´s and then fell ill with hard work and needed to live an easier life.

He and Chez came to Spain looking for a way-out and found it in Tarifa. They built a beautiful house on the outskirts of the town and, slowly, over about 3 years now have put down real roots in this community. Both are kind, warm and generous people. Such good and interesting friends. In fact, the very reason I came here at this time was to attend their Son´s 21st Birthday Party last Thursday.

As I left, they asked, "When are you coming back to see us?" I answered lamely, "I´ll have to see"

Later this evening, I´m going out for a drink with Luce. We had a meal last night in the best restaurant in town, Morillas. I had a fried-fish platter that tasted perfect. Tonight will be a difficult one. Say no more. She is such a sweet love.

Pip has recognised, quite rightly, I need her support today and so I know she´s not far away in terms of contact. I am going to need so much more from her over the coming months too. I feel like shit tonight and need to feel her close.

I land at 14.20 tomorrow and, until then, will try to keep this in my head.

JVIP

Apparently then, one way to get through hard times is to meditate.

Interestingly, underneath all the MJ the author of these ideas suggests the following:

• Appreciating the reality of the current situation (get information)


• Awakening to new possibilities (become comtemplative)


• Manifesting these in constructive actions (take action)

In other words readers, we´re back to Prochaska and Diclimente. Remember?

Oh and there´s some other stuff about a little Croation boy who was given a football and discovered he could do this. Fab !

I think I might have said before:

this man once said this. And he´s right of course. It is ALLl Bollocks BUT, importantly, the nature of change is hard and seems usually to be accompanied by shed-loads of Bollocks.

Over the last 24 hours, since yesterday´s bit, I´ve done very little really. I did cook for 5 women last night in a little kitchen. I did something like this and this. I must say having top-notch ingredients makes these things easier. A small space makes me tidy too and, readers, less clumsy.

Went to a little local shop, the guy very friendly to my spastic spanglish. He even managed to sell me some little bird´s eye chillie too.... so the pasta suace had a bit of zing going on.

We ate. I listened to tunes all evening with the others. I played a bit. My fingers still red-raw from the last nights´excesses. I looked out onto the street from the ground floor french-doors.

The architect has put bars in front of these to allow the doors to be opened all day without inviting burglary (Domestic). I looked through the bars and (you´ve guessed it) I felt I was in a metaphorical prison. Not the best thing to feel when you have 5 people to provide a rustic tart for !

Today I´ve been here to buy one of these. When I arrived in Spain, the house was musty and I borrowed a little machine from a guy upstairs. Over the next 3 days I got at least 30 litres of water from the room and the clothes and bedding were saved from this.

One recipient of the pasta and tart is now going to come in and make sure the place is aired on a weekly basis while I´m away from here.

On the way back from the Hyper-Market, Thumper said to me "When do you think you´re going to sort out your future and what you want to do............. I know it might not be with me ?"

I didn´t give the hard answer because the time simply wasn´t right. But it will be soon. I thought back to yesterday evening and, looking through the bars, hearing this song playing, I know Bobby gets it right.

What I need NOW more than anything, is for someone, just someone, to say "Hang in there little bear-you´ll make it"

JVIP

Well....here again. Back at the net cafe´ The place full today with touristicos. Student´s eeking out their grants, smoking maroccan dope, sporty wind-surfers from Northern Europe with flash motor-homes and blond-haired children, older, more middle-class (and rich) people in search of a chilled holiday.

For indeed, Tarifa is much like Glastonbury on Sea. That is, a bit past its sell-by date for the true hedonist but still offering enough Rock and Roll to make it viable if you can stand the hype.

Anyway, last night found me at a place about 4 miles along the coast at the end of a track only negotiable by a proper Land Rover.

Si and Caz have made a homested on a hillside down the road a bit from civilisation Their house is a three-story sprawling property with a baronial hall and enormous kitchen. It is furnished with artifacts from India and North Africa. Si made a little money way back when in England and, because he is a talented carpenter, musician and couragous bloke, he and Caz decided to make a pioneering move to Southern Spain.

To get the feel you need to distance yourself from anything you´ve ever seen on television in England. "A home in the sun" it ain´t. Their spread has been hewn out of a rough and unforgiving hillside. They keep animals and have a retinue of young students(living in tents and carvans) helping out and being fed for their trouble.

Caz is a cook. She helps her daughter run a vegitarian outlet in town where, I might say, the Samosas are of the finest kind. Caz is a big, shy woman. She talks....goodness....just like Julie Birchill.

It is apparent Cas has had times when she´s felt broken by the hard nature of life in Andulcia when you´re an illegal. The very building of their property alone is an amazing feat of endurance. To have it so finshed (over 8 years) is impressive. The rest of the land aquired is showing signs of real management too. Its a wonderful legacy fo their grand-children if they can keep a hold on it.

Caz has been on a downer 0ver the last couple of years and has had to return to England in the winter because of the damp and strong winds. She works there as a cleaner ! Last night was an attempt by herself and her frineds to help further lift her out of the thing she´s been in for the past few months.

We had a delicious Salad and then a tajine with fish. All the vegitables grown by hand. To finish, an Apple Crumble done in a Spanish style called "Rustico"

Then, it turns out, Si could have been this bloke at one time and knows this bloke really well. So, when asked to play, you´ll understand I felt a tad threatened.

It went pretty well on the whole. I did about 35 tunes in the end. Si joined in on a wonderful Spainish Rock and Roll Guitar. He was particularly authentic on this tune. My fingers are just numb subsequently. At the end, after everyone had sung a song, I did a tune called "Rock and Roll Renegades" penned by Pip. I rocked it up a bit from the original and people thought they´d heard it before but, of course, they hadn´t. I felt like it was right to just say nothing.

I reflected, lying in bed this morning, that if I hadn´t had this outlet on here this week, to talk about whats happening in my life right now, I´d go barmy. Over days and weeks of thought I´ve accepted in my head that no matter what happens, no matter what pain I cause to people, I have to follow my heart. Its my life.

Being here has been really good. I´ve had some of the best experiences life can throw at you. Wonderful food, lovely company, excellent music, fun fun fun in fact. And people are interesting, lively and adventurous.

Underneath all this lies the idea that in order to make sense and value these experiences I need a passionate companion with which to share such treasures.

Amongst some of the songs I did are these. 1 2 3 4 5

And then... Si did this.

What a cool evening

JVIP

There used to be this old rock n roll song that ended with the epihet "I´ve got blisters on my fingers!"

This man would say "That'd be right !" And I really have.

I´ve played a lot over the last few days. I´ve played for my supper, I´ve played for my soul and I´ve played for my life.

Oh Pip I miss you so !

And, never more than when I tried to play this and had the usual usless tears remembering the context in which I first heard this song.

Positively, since my last post, I´ve been to quite a few places. A bar dedicated to this model of Spain, still recognised as mainstream culture. I ate a slightly underdone pork-fillet in thyme and rosemary with some relish for a bear who has the Talmud in his bones.

Later, I went here and mixed with (what felt like) very clever and too smart people. Later still, and in need of a dose of reality I went here and listened to a girl on a guitar sounding a lot like this. The girl told me she has an album coming out in November. Now where have I heard that before ?

Later again, with dawn breaking, I played this quietly to myself, remembering how well my girl does this song.

Over this week, many people, nice, warm, friendly, decent people, have come up to and said, "When are you coming back?" and I look back at them and say "I´m not sure, I havn´t worked it out yet" They look at me like I´m not quite with it. So hard !

I´ve spoke with Luce and her strong, mountain of a man, Goliath with a real love in my voice. I´ve told her she´s lovely, I´ve told him to take care of her.

What more can I do ? What more can I do ?

Annoyingly, I missed the net cafe yesterday. It doesn´t open on a Sunday so I´ve held onto all my worries until today´s ritual out-pouring.

Today, the cafes´open again obviously and I´m sat here alone (siesta) in a room full of 20 computers. A girl sits at the desk, very bored indeedy.

Tonight, I´m adding more blisters to my fingers at a party along the coast at freinds. Inside myself, there is still, even here in bear paradise, a dull ache in my heart that lets me know I´m not yet fully alive without my girl.

Don´t be under any illusion Pip. The feelings I have for you are as real as feelings can be and, over the last few days, despite all the friends, the music, the refined social skills and my mediocre talent, I´ve felt like a spectator in my own life, alone and without a proper soulmate.

I don´t think thats how its meant to be....is it ?

JVIP

So Far Away and no title. Spanish computer. Keboard different and cant get the cursor in the box.´No matter.

It´s Saturday Morning. I flew into Gibraltar on Thursday. Thumper is with me. The flight was the usual scarey mixture of complete calm and a crazy Levante landing. That´s when the wind blows in the wrong direction and "finals" are characterised by sickening lurches in height at about 200 ft above the Med; the airframe of the A310 shaking and the wings bending in sympathy.

The last couple of days have been characterised by me getting my breath back, removing damp from the flat and meeting with friends. In the background of this Pip is as large as life and twice as beautiful. One of her latest texts, sent on Thursday night said this

"I wish you a safe journey and return. I know you may have experienced me as cold and hard recently but I truely believe emotional distance is best for both of us at this time. If you decide we have a future together you will have consistent love and care and warmth from me. I just think it would make this time harder for you and put emotional pressure on you instead of giving you time to think properly. Listen to your inner wisdom, accept that you can´t avoid causing pain whatever you decide. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. It is part of being human. I love you truely and with all my heart. If you decide on a future with me, I will do nothing to make you regret it. If you decide against, I will understand too. I am under no illusion about the enormity of what you face. I am honoured and humbled you are going through this for me. I love you bear and want you to be happy and at peace x"

When I got this, you might imagine I was taken aback and had to hang onto my head for a bit. I was about to do some work with people so had to put the text on the Back Burner for a few hours.

Anyway, life moves on doesn´t it ? We´ve touched base by text and told each other of our love for one anther. How could I not love her when she says such things ?

Its funny being here. I wondered if I might have had some peace from the turmoil in my head. Particularly as I´ve had clear time away from work. So, whilst I´ve had lots to do thats kept me busy and (I´ve spent great time with Thumper´s dughter Luce), the nag-nag naggyness of my head-world remains exactly the same. In fact, truth to tell, the time to take action gets ever closer because I just can´t cope with the chatter anymore.

Since Thursay then, I´ve dehumidified, lost some washing on the roof, eaten well, got a bit stoned, drank lots of wine, put up some shelves, made the gas work, got the fridge going, been to a rocking party, met friends, learnt to play these two songs quite well, played this this and this in public, received accolades from.....er....fans and finally, have resolved again to move forwards.

I´m still shot away. I looked in the mirror this morning and this older person stared back at me. This time has taken its toil on me in a way. Subsequently, I may need to talk to this guy who seems to know what he´s talking about.

I´ll be back on here again soon. Pip, who is 2000 miles away, feels like she is right by my side when I hum this

Love to her always

JVIP

In the right measure

Is a line from this song by Nick Lowe. Nick talks bluntly about feeling rejected. A girl who sits afar, somewhat imperiously, telling him she must be "Cruel to be kind"

Nick's quite a perceptive guy and a great Rocker. What he doesn't say, however, is the truth of it lies more here. Nick gets it partially right. She is being cruel to be kind and she is also being very understanding to me, kind to herself and, most importanly, kind to our truth and to our lives.

I love her so.

JVIP

Yesterday

Was a living hell. People are noticing my decline into self-pity, depression and general apathy.

The noise in my head is just constant now.

As ever, as always, it seems, music is both my uplift and my downfall.

The Time..........0710

The Place..........Getting dressed for work at home

The Song...........This on HH

The Time..........0815

The Place..........My car, the M4, driving to work

The Song...........This on Talk Sport

The Time..........1320

The Place..........Brunel Shopping Plaza Swindon

The Song..........This on the PA

The Time..........1635

The Place..........Commercial Rd Swindon

The Song...........This from the open door of a hairdressers

The Time..........2154

The Place..........My Home. Sat watching television with BBB

The Song...........This

Pip's latest post talks about dignity. In my actions, I've tried unknowingly to rob her of this. Curiously, her post seems more robust, less brittle and has a new strength about it. Probably because she's been through turmoil before and knows about the dark side.

I spoke to my friend Julia about the subject. Julia (who works for this lot) says I should not be too hard on myself but learn my lessons and move forward in peace.

Willow (remember Willow ?) sent me a text last night that said "U know I am your friend. U know you must follow your heart. U of all people can live no other way"

She is right. I am that person. I need to just get on with things.

When I get back from here and have said, so sadly, a farewell to the lovely girl in Spain, we'll see how much dignity and courage I can muster.

JVIP

Hangin' on the telephone

I talked to Pip tonight. We had spoken yesterday. I texted her after the Saturday night awfulness. I feel I'm just a selfish baby, using her in this way knowing how much she loves me.

Pip said "it's almost like you need to see my pain in order to re-assure yourself I love you"

I wanted to say " I've felt so lonely, So empty and crazy" But said something crap instead.

She has a powerful way with her. And yes, I wanted her to rescue me from my stupid self. The way men always use women. And she responded kindly and well. But at a distance. Then she almost cried and I thought "you're a wanker Mr Bear"

Once upon a time,during the war, Pip said to me this " Bear, You have met your Nemesis !"

Tonight, after our conversation, led by me, directed by me and needed by me, she sent me this text.

"Please don't contact me again until you have taken action or made an alternative decision. Like we agreed. I feel disrespected. I will be there for you in real need. You are not there yet. I love you x"

One kiss I thought was a bit stingy. But she is my Nemesis. She just is.

In my country we have a saying

"Those who talk the talk, need to walk the walk"

So Bears plod onwards and upwards with the thought in their heart that she is the first woman in my life who's made me feel like a child. And I value that. She really is special.

JVIP

As it happens guy's and gals

It's top of the pops !

And here are a few of the contenders for expressing the ouvre' right now.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Love to you pretty girl. Nice to hear you.

JVIP

Coz' I need you by my side

My few regular readers will need to indulge me today. I need to just say this.

Yesterday was shit. My miseries and chatter have returned with the arrival of the rain. I spent most of the day messing about on here and doing household chores a bit half-heartedly. I have a wealthy cache of both bizarre stories and video delight in store for you as a result. Here's a couple of examples.

But God.....I've felt displaced.

Last evening saw me in this neck of the woods at Thumper's sisters' house. It was a lovely evening for everyone. Thumper and Lindy Lou like to talk about the old times and things that have happened to them. Del boy and I smoke and drink wine making crap observations about living with people who think they are "Royalty" and coping with well-modulated accents

Anyway, it was one of those sorts of evenings when the women talked and talked about their past. In the background a radio played this sort of thing The conversation ebbed and flowed.

The wine was in my head and then......this came on the radio. I was overwhelmed and felt as close to tears as i get in public. The chatter continuing in front of me to which I felt, only now a spectator. And I thought about falling into a symphony. And I thought "please yes....rescue me....help....I need you now....I need you now"

People looked and asked "are you OK ?" I said "yes I'll be fine, I need some air" I went outside in the rain, debated sending a 999 text, but pulled myself back into shape because because because.

The evening went on and the talk was of children, families, past history, funny things that happened, who's well, who is not so well. A typical family evening by the river. And then this came on the radio. And I realized the fates are really against me. My life seemingly now playing itself out in a series of stupid head-space dramas plagued with triggers to dissonance and the subsequent emotional roller coaster.

Next Thursday I'm going here for one week, but not before I've pushed the first domino. Watch my space. The bear is going to be back with a better narrative. Something along these lines probably.

JVIP

BTW. Pip has an affinity with this lot. They are a bit gullible up there though ?