The Real Thing

Its Saturday so HH isn't on.

The 6 o/clock alarm irritating me and introducing me to this guy here. Described as "sardonic" by someone on Wiks, I take the view that s/he's stretching the point a bit. Let's just say I don't really get Mo.

Anyway he puts this on.

Inevitably I'm off and running again. I described this phenomena of the music bringing a visceral and sharp focus to my day to Willow. She listened patiently !

I said I return, like clockwork, to murky pools of nagging despair when music kick-starts my dissonance again. The world in my head where nothing is safe and nothing is still, becoming a daily reality. As I say, she listened patiently.

If faced with someone like me, in my work, I'd say blandly, "stop running the video's then.....you must only be doing it because you get something out of it for yourself ? It's plain self-indulgence

Anyway......yesterday found me here. A simple 74 mile trip down the M4 from where I live. NNN lives here. Her two kids call boys like this "Townies" Boys of this type (that get into trouble) are the staple members of the Problem Solving programme I manage.

It was a straightforward and easy day writing and supervising. I went for a brief drink after work with a few colleagues here. The blurb is right, it is a "cultural oasis"

Late at night and alone, I watched this. A wonderful wonderful adventure of sheer cinematic brilliance. My colleague and (soon to be friend) "Big T" reminds me of The Dude and I intend, make no mistake, to tell him everything about myself. I get a sense in which he'll understand what's at stake and help me through it.

The first part of my conversation with Little M was on yesterday's post. The one that was lost by a simple wrong push of a button. When it happens, NNN will be there hopefully. It started like this; "I've got to tell you a story (NO NO NO !) about me" I'm not ill or anything, the kids are fine and all is ok.........but......I have a life changing thing happening to me and you need to know all about it. I hope I'll have your support to get me through this time"

What do you think ?

JVIP

PS. This morning to help us all see the point of Football I leave this here x

My Post today

Just disappeared when I pushed the wrong button.. it was inventive and lively. Full of fun and pain. I've had a bad day and this blog reflected every little facet. Cept' it's gone now. So draw a line.

Anyway HH played WWW first thing. So, fair play to this guy. So......the day begins with a frontal assault of what used to called my emotional intelligence.

BTW, If anyone told me I was required to have fun, I'd turn into this guy and then probably do this

Ok. So emotional intelligence shot away by thinking about these words I went to work on my recalcitrant bike that SHOULD start like this ...cept it don't. So I took it to the shop along a traffic filled M4. Nightmare, because it runs like a bucket of bolts. And dangerous. Really! not that much.

The guy at the shop was really nice. Not too macho and not too matey either. He was like this guy.

I had a bastard day at work and I'm running out of steam to tell you. Just to say that I've been put in my place. (more later) but it made me think of this.

All over tonight now. I love you Pip. Hope you're ok. The photo says Toil is stupid BTW.

Love is all around us.

JVIP

I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes

Again, woke up to HH. That WWW song was on. So....fair play to this boy. So that was how my day started. A sickening lurch into what's left of my emotional intelligence. Note to self-try not to be a trainer like this.



Then, Motor Cycle to work. I don't know if people would realise, but a BMW 100 cs with a serious carb problem is not a funny business. See......this is how they should start. To get to the fixing shop, it took me 15 minutes of cranking on a high speed starter electric box. Then serious traffic. Revs jumping form nothing to 3000 in a heartbeat. Then vibration and a sticky thortle. Jesus! It's dangerous.



Nightmare journey to the shop, some 50 miles. Thames Valley traffic at its worst. But, at the espense of a small headache, I (the bear) prevailed.



The guy at the shop was just lovely. Not too macho and not too matey. Just blokey, which I like.



Anyway, my baby is there for a few days having stuff done. God, I've struggled with that bike. Done everything to try and make it run right but failed through lack of courage, energy and sheer will. Time was, before middle age, when I would had the thing apart and fixed it through bear hutzpah. Now, I'm reduced to being a fiddly faddly wuss. Or so my inner "boy" tell's me.



Work was bloody hateful today. I've had my wings clipped. Not, you understand, by failure. Oh no ! by an organisation who suddenly realises that a bear at my grade is not a sufficiently wieghty person to hold a "strategic" view. Truth is, I've exposed them. And in doing so have weakened my power.



The main stuff I've been doing for the last six months has been taken from my hands and pit into the paws of someone two grades higher than me. So, I've been batting above my league, and in order for the PTB to get a good mark from the auditors, they need to demonstrate a committment to MY subjct.



I thought of this and played Ronnie Corbett real well.



Other news is that I've worked out the first bit of the conversation with little M. I'd welcome your views.



It goes like this. NNN will be there hopefully.



"I've got some stuff to tell you thats important to me. ......don't worry, I'm not ill or anything"



I've got a story to tell you about me. ( NO NO NO not like that........like this)



Anyway....yes, That's how I thought I'd start. Some more tomorrow hopefully.



I've had a bloody headache all day. Bad bikes, bad job and a bad train ride (yes train ride) home has left me exhausted. And, I worked till 10 last night, trying to turn brutal bastards into loving bears. And goodness how I love and miss that girl. Hope she's ok.



JVIP

You know I love you,
I always will
My mind's made up by the Way that I feel
There's no beginning,
There'll be no end'
cause on my love you can depend

Stand up ! Stand up for your rights !

Today has found me doing just that. In front of this lot actually.When I say stand up, I mean presenting a one hour Talk on the subject close to my heart, Domestic Violence. I did it with a woman who fulfils the role of advocate for women in my County.

It's a tough job and one that requires a deal of diplomacy, concentration and good judgement.

The presentation went well. Feedback suggested, hard hitting and gritty. Just what I intended.

Tonight will find me standing up again in front of the men who do this stuff. The work makes me question myself and my own sense of moral compass. How can, on the one hand, I pontificate about abuse and find it in my heart to live with one and love another ? It's not a question easily answered is it ?

Other news is that Thumper had a huge business meeting last night to investigate whether her secret idea for making money had legs. Interestingly, she came away from her "stand-up" with an offer of an, in excess of 20 grand, from a business guy to get the idea running.

It's a web based idea and has the capacity to make her a very rich woman. I wish her well with it but my heart's not in it. Business leaves me just cold !

I'm a man of the left I guess.

Hateful harridan played this, this morning. Again....it's always the music that brings me up short. In this case, I believe a song that Pip and I really should sing together before we die.

More soon

JVIP

Cheekbones like geometry, eyes like sin.

Which is how I think about the pretty girl with Perfect Skin that is Pip.

There's a pub in the town where I live called the Tut n' Shive. When Beep Be Beep and his Sister were young, I used to chide them about this and say they'd never find out what it meant. I used to pretend I knew, but actually didn't.

Tonight, the boy wonder came back from work, full-blown triumph in his eyes, 25 years of age and Say's " Right dad.....pen and paper now.....write down what Tut and Shive means....because I know"

Cornered and flummoxed, I had to admit, in the words of Manuel, "I know nothing"

The lad triumphed and described this and then.....bizarrely....told me about this and this and....goodness.....this ........he's a weird boy.

In another world, I'm predicting that Pip....remember Pip ?...... is fast on her way to becoming a DIY-ER. With that in mind I present her with this as a gift from Google. Once looking at that, I saw this to.

Today has been bloody manic. And I've been in two meetings (plus other stuff) with a man with no sense of my creative powers.

I've been asked to run a Conference for my organisation in November. The spooks asked me because I'm supposed to be an "ideas" man. Belbin confirms this.

I'm not, however, a completer-finisher. So, as Pip will confirm, far from perfect as a mover and a shaker. Strictly grass roots me.

The meetings were tricky but I think the Conference is going to fun fun fun because I held out for my ideas and people were carried along with my silly enthusiasm. Imagine, 160 suits actually getting engaged in live theatre, cus that's what it's gonna be. Rock and Roll !

I feel lighter today for some reason. My guess is because I've done some thinking about how to talk about my situation with "Little M".... my Mother.

Over the next few days I'm going to put this conversation on here and ask for comment. I hope someone might respond and share this weight on my shoulders.

JVIP

There's a little black train a comin'

Is a song by the wonderful Woody Guthrie. Compellingly, it talks of the relationship between a man and his conscience. And, importantly, the word of God.

Studies on the net tell me this song goes back way beyond Woody and into a world of slavery and depression some 90 years before. This song, rather surprisingly, is not available on the net as far as Google tells me anyway.

When Woody does it, he uses this tumblin ramblin style of picking so loved by early blue grass musicians.

When I first picked up a guitar this was the first tune I learnt. Pip does a version of this song. Shes does it well. Woody drove Bobby. Woody is my idol now.

Anyway, I awoke this morning to the sound of this hateful harridan This morning's contribution to the debate on human kind was to state quite clearly that the "rowdy" element that so infects Ascot these day's is..........beyond the pale .

Put simply, the girl needs a year off. Last week's contribution by Clare someone was really quite a treat in comparison.

In the car and straight into Mike Parry who has the nick name "Porky" Today, he was on with Alan Brazil He's the fat one at the interview in the end. Alan is a quality broadcaster. Mike is a "Fat Tube".

Looking at Alan in these clips, I'll be surprised if he's still alive in 5 years.

At work, a day compiling stuff to make me look clever and then home and writing this.

In the main part of my head I'm still in complete admiration for Pip, who, apparently, played her first gig on Saturday. I love her with all my heart. I also Love this. Complicated world my head.

Onwards and upwards to heaven. Hmmmm ? I must try to avoid that little black train ?

JVIP

Say it's not so ?

When we parted for a while, Pip sent me this text

"This will be my last text to you for some time. When you leave here today, you take a piece of my heart with you. Care for it well. I will always love you. During the difficult days ahead my spirit will be at your side. Take care. Be happy. Find peace x x x."

I responded with

"Always remember I love you"

I read these over yesterday and had thoughts about it.

I can feel her heart so close to me. I am caring for it well. I hope against hope She'll always love me. These are difficult days. Very difficult days. I feel her free spirit. I'm not happy yet. I am not at peace and hope I shall find it. If I don't I fear for me and my ego-centric head.

Today has found me here and listening to this. What an appropriate tune ?

I've had my perceptions challenged. I love music, but was not prepared for the artistry and musicianship on display at Tooting. I'm a 50's boy so old time Organs have always been put to one side because of him

Also, goodness ! Theatre Organs are another area of sociological interest in England, seemingly dominated by gay men: this old gothic people's palace absolutely crammed to the rafters with village people.

The finale was wonderful, A medley of Irvin Berlin tunes culminating in this which was sad too.

Later, with friends and Thumper went here. The food was lovely I have to say.

Friend "Ms Cheese" behaved badly thoughout and I made a mental note to myself to try NOT to get dragged into eating alongside her again.

She just takes over the whole thing and makes life very uncomfortable for everyone including her partner (and my good friend) Andy.

I'm home now and have watched Shirley, at Glastonbury. And have discovered this lot A band from the North East who I just think are complete Rock and Roll.

Mostly today I really have been concentrating on being Socratic and not looking miserable in front of friends.

I'm moving from Comtemplation into Planning

I have undertaken countless Conversation Rehersals that will increase my Social Support and move from planning a conversation I need to have into actually having it.

The recipient is (of course) my Mum. She's 82 and sprightly. I simply cannot guage her reaction and must get this right if for nothing else than to say "here is your stupid son who has the biggest crisis of his life going on....help him please to be happy and support him and his choices"

In the words of Lou and Andy. "What a kufuffle!"

JVIP

I came upon a child of God, he was walking along the road....

Saturday morning at 7.30 finds me sat at my computer as usual. Since time began, Saturday mornings have been the special period when Pip and I get together on MSN and do the following:

Take the Piss

Banter

Argue

Try out new Ideas

Provoke

Support

Plan

Engage

Groom

Love and

Make it up as we go along

Now, I'm sat here alone writing this. I feel sad, unbelievably sad, but recognise the necessity of this for us to move forward in our lives.

So it's Glastonbury this weekend. I remember very well taking both my children (and friends) to the event in about 2001 and then picking them up some 4 days later. Whilst unscathed by the experience, they still looked like they had come back from here.

Last evening saw me sitting in my living room watching this lot on the telly until about 2pm.

Just earlier I'd had a short text from Beep Be Beep to say he was staying over at one of his girlfriends'. Work at the cocktail bar having been "Hellish".

I like the Arctic Monkeys I think. They remind me of mixture between this lot and this lot.

I think they have a really odd guitar sound that suggests to me they didn't learn on the same songs as most people.

Most Kids these days I reckon probably learn stuff like this or this when they start. The Monkeys may be different and, when 12 or 13, maybe learnt to play this

Anyway, today finds me at a loss. it's been the hardest week I can remember for a very long time in my life. My head is exploding, my tired old body can hardly get me around and I'm running out of steam. Even work seems flat and uninteresting. I've had tears which just pisses me off. Such a wuss

I'm supposed to be going out to lunch today after a morning of doing this. Tomorrow I'm going to see something like this.......... here I'm meeting with friends and they will keep me at the best I can be at the moment.

Outwardly, life goes on. And I hope against hope the Girl from the West is ok.

When I live my life again, I'll be doing this and loving it !

JVIP

London calling to the faraway towns

I've been up to London. Not, on this occasion, to visit The Queen. More serious I'm afraid.

In my job I work, predominantly, with men who abuse their women partners. I also manage people who do the same task. My day in the capital was a Conference designed to give people who do my job, at my level, the opportunity to talk about the 5 W's.

It's unfortunate, therefore, that all such initiatives, run by the centre, are fraught with the difficulties of trying to moderate the policies of our political leaders that so affect private individuals.

The other thing for an "older" Bear is I'm confronted continually by younger and more energetic individuals "making their mark" so to speak.

It's a tricky old thing and calls for a degree of diplomacy I scarcely know I possess.

In my head, Pip looms large. She's there on a (more or less) continual basis. Her fine way of being. her generous nature, her capacity to guide me through difficult waters and, of course, her lovely lovely self hood.

She's an amazing woman is Pip. She comes from a family of amazing people. Not really people I understand very well.

Her Father, a strong, capable and closed-down individual who loves his daughter with such an unspoken passion. He looks out for her always. Pip becomes frustrated by (what she sees as) his interference and (what she sees as) conditional love. He's unwell and has been debilitated by serious illness. When I get to hear about him I feel like it's a story about someone from my childhood. Values strong, he treads through life with the broken strength of a wounded animal. Too late to change his ways, he finds the modern world a frustrating and nihilistic place to live.

He is scrupulously honest in his values yet unbending in his mistaken beliefs.

Pip's Mother is another person worn down with feeling unwell a lot of the time. She's kind and warm to a fault and had a successful career as a head teacher. Now, she seems over-shadowed by her Husband whose strength of values and beliefs, dominate their life together. She too loves Pip very much and the relationship between Pip and her Mother is a strong one. It is mainly characterised by the dynamics of the relationship between two women and a man they share. Interesting.

Anyway, Pip has been in my head all day, despite my trip to London. Since I got in last night, there hasn't been more than a couple of minutes where that Girl from the West has not been banging away inside my temples saying "When ? When ? When ?"

Peace be on my head please for I think I'm going crazy. Readers of this (very few) will say "It's about time you sorted yourself out Bear" I tend to agree and have decided i really must do so.

Over the next few weeks I'm gonna study very hard the work of Prochaska and Declemente and see if I can't move forward into preparation. The study suggests anyone working therapeutically with the "patient" should do the following:

1.Identify and assist in problem solving re: obstacles
2. Help patient identify social support
3. Verify that patient has underlying skills for behavior change
4. Encourage small initial steps

One unfortunate thing is that I have no therapist cept for a few friends and will have to adopt a much more Socratic approach of healing myself. This, undoubtedly is what Pip hopes for. I will not fail her in this and will, like her Father, be scrupulously honest with her. One-nil by the way.

Oh, I've done the obstacles to death. There are many of them.

Social support. I have it partially. It may, however, rest with People I know very little about. I have work people who are ok. But my family. I don't think I can count on them to understand. I tried with No-Nonsense Nick some months ago to no good effect really. We have not talked about "it" since.

Identifying underlying skills for behavioural change. Hmmmm. It's a cinch probably.

Bears, however, are hard to turn around. The secret (of course) is learning that life is a classroom. All things change don't they ?

Encourage small steps. I have taken a few of them. The rest are of the "fuck-off" variety. Parachutes will be necessary. I hope, in the circumstances of a sky-diving fall Pip will provide parachutes, secondary parachutes and a "fuck-off" safety net that protects my bones from the cold hard ground.

Finally, I guess this sort of thing concentrates my mind. As ever, its all in the music with me.

Keep the faith everyone

JVIP

One day away from your arms

Pip and I are having, what is called in polite circles, a chance to reflect. In reality what it is.......is that she's unable to live her life around such hapless paralysis and needs to feel a sense of narrative again. So then.....a chance to reflect.

I left work last night and thought" this is where the journey of loneliness begins" I drove home in silence. The radio, on initially, grated and intruded. There was a heavy thunder storm on the M4. The rain beating on my little Skoda so hard.

On arrival at home I was met with Thumper and Beep Be Beep clearing a space on the kitchen table for shopping. Thumper had just fallen full on her back in the hall. Devastating combination of wet feet, shiny floors and flip flops. All was well however and a bruise on the leg was the only result.

My evening went past slowly. I played my guitar. I had the usual senseless tears. I watched Godfather 2 on some distant Satellite Channel. I went to bed at 12.30 and slept. Mercifully.

Despite being surrounded by people, my evening was spent in an emotionally miserable isolation.

Twice yesterday, people came up to me and said "Is there anything wrong?" I replied "No, not really ...just busy and tired is all"

I woke this morning and thought of Pip. No longer is my mobile next to my bed waiting for her cheery "good morning little bear"

The radio flicked on at 7. Third song out the box was this and tears came to my eyes again.

Later in the morning before going to work my friend Tom sent me a compilation of videos. This being one example.

Bears have to get stronger and wiser than this !

JVIP

Its a lonely little planet made of dust and dirt

Pip has had enough ! She's had enough of playing by my rules. Now she's living by the rules of life.

The rules of life say the following

Sing every day
Sing loud
Play her guitar everyday
Play it loud
Love those around you
Have people to supper
Be a radiator not a drain
Put her heart into things
Poke a bear with a stick everyday
Protect her sanity at all costs
Be honest
Put cream on her leg
Eat well
Remember to feed her cat
Grow Plants
Ride her motorbike
Drive carefully
Avoid speeding tickets
Keep smiling
Talk to her friends
Buy the latest Harry Potter
Trust the bear


JVIP

The sun ain't gonna shine any more

Is how Pip is feeling.

The moon ain't gonna rise in the sky
The tears are always there in your eye
When you're without love.


and maybe it feels like that for her? Without love. and without her man to be there for her.

In my life

It feels like I have love. So it's different for me. I have her love.

The girl shows this with every action and every thing she says and does. Nothing could detract from her deep sense of love for the bear.

The bear feels full of love subsequently.

He has this mantra going through his head all the time. "I must do better....I must do better"

When my girl is sad.......I feel torn apart and want to make it better for her. "I must do better" I feel.

I will. I will.

JVIP