London Calling

Goodness, what a daft world we live in! I have, over the last few days entered into the world of internet service providers, computer manufacturers and phone companies.

At the huge risk of sounding like a grumpy old man (which I probably am) it’s a minefield isn’t it?

After some hours spent on the phone trying to ensure a seamless transition between geriatric dial-up, a really really old computer and the brave new world of Broadband and Windows Vista, I’m now in a position of having no service provider currently, a computer that is somewhere in transit from (I think) India and a very very sore ear.

I know it’s the well-trodden path of many grumpy blog commontators,,,,,, but dear God ! Spare me call centres in funny places, people who refuse to listen or speak English properly and tell you downright lies in trying to provide what is (laughingly) called “customer service”

Tiscali, Dell and BT……Beware ….This VIP is simmering regarding the way he’s been treated by what used to be described (in another world far away) as “jobs worth’s”

As I tell the people I work with, to improve their anger management skills. “We are at our most dangerous when we know we are right”
We’re all doomed !
JVIP

Yea Yea yea yea

Beeb-Be-Beep has brought a book back from America. It’s a Beatles songbook with all the original chords and Tab attached.

Back in the day, I got hold of a book with all these songs in it. Trouble was, it was transposed into piano chords mostly. So E’s and A’s not really figuring in the mix. More your C’s C7’s and F’s. Not music to an old rockers ears really.

So, now I have the original thing and I’m struck by how cool some of these songs really are. Transition between straight chords and bars has always been tricky for me. This, mainly because I have small hands so I’ve not approached the more difficult numbers as yet.

Both Pip and rock star son (RSS) will have none of this of course.

Pip “It’s just a matter of practice-get on with it” She’s a mistress alright !

RSS “Your hands are as big as mine and I can play them” He spends 4 hours a day with a guitar in his hands !

What I say is, “well done you two”

I will now practice, however. And you’ll see…..I will get to Broadway !

……………….

Sometimes I go to Spain and on one of these occasions, I met up with a guy called Claudio. Claudio used to be a musician with the French Philharmonic. He comes from Marseilles. Claudio fell on hard times in the 70’s and drifted down to the Spanish Coast and has eked out a living there since.
Living in very reduced circumstances, Claudio is a guitar god.

He knows the entire arpeggio to most of the Beatles 194 songs and plays these on a battered old flamenco acoustic. Whilst down there last time I gave him my copy of my C’s and F’s Beatles song book with the instructions, “please enjoy this”.

Claudio was overjoyed with this tatty old gift and, I’m sure, he’ll be a more accomplished player now as a result. Beatles songs do that to you don’t they ?

…………………………….

My boy and his bass player have decided they are going to learn all these songs completely properly. They are due to start in March and are doing them Album by Album. Please Please me is their start point. Good luck to them I say. I am dead impressed that two 20 something’s care about this stuff.

I’ll be happy to strum along in the background making Johnny Cash growling noises occasionally.

Just need to get those transitions right !
JVIP

Cold Jelly and Custard

"I’m not keen of Squid to be fair," Pip said to me the other day. Curious as to what exactly this meant, I showed a raised eyebrow of interest.

Pip sometimes goes out to eat apparently. Usually in the company of someone, alarmingly, called "Phallus"

Worryingly too, she likes his cooking and company; thought’s difficult to bury in a VIP’s head.

Anyway, it turns out Pip will eat out just about anywhere as long as it’s not McDonalds, KFC and Burger King.

She’s political you’ll understand.

That she even enters Chef and Brewer, Brewer’s "Fayre" or any other Gastro pub for the odd bite is just something else to be worried about in my book. Pip being a fishy-veggie woman, remaining (apparently) unconcerned by the vagaries of food production in such dodgy places. Oh, those "boil in a bag" curries and Cash and Carry Chips they trot out!

The Squid, it would appear, was (at once) slimy and over-cooked. "Not very nice" as my Mother would say. Rick Stein (good on TV…..twat to work for I bet) says they should be "flashed" Meaning a touch of a very hot and oily pan and little else.

The salient detail in this silly saga is, however, that Pip had had the outright courage to order such thing in a "Thai" pub in Gloucester. I’m sorry? Hello? A Thai Pub?.....In Gloucester ? Dear God !

Again, you see, this Phallus bloke has a taste for the extreme (worrying twice over) Once, whilst at Pip’s flat, she entreated/inveigled me to try chilli vodka said Phallus and she had made. Pip was pretty cool about it and I thought, "What can go wrong, I’m a man who’s been to 5 continents, I’ve sampled food in street cafés in Tangiers, early 70’s Singapore, Marakesh, Bahrain, …..er,…..Green Frog Mall, Sparkes Adel North Florida and a host of other places.

The Vodka was truly dreadful. And when I say dreadful, I really mean dreadful. Hot, bitter, raw and without any redeeming features to tempt an esurient palate. It was horrid on a big big scale. It left a nasty taste the size of Arizona in my mouth.

My self-set task therefore, as I now see it (as a proper VIP) is to drag my love away from such excess and show her proper food, done in a proper way and in proper surroundings. My success in this has been variable.

I’m a cook and have good grub in my bones. Taught through example from an early age, my Mother being the consummate article. Pastry, Cakes, Roasts, English Puddings and 60’s attempts into Robert Carrier and Margaritte Patton. The Bible being Good Housekeeping.
I’ve added Italian and proper Indian since then and had the odd stupid, shameful (70’s) dalliance with Abigail’s Party Fondue and Kirsch flavoured Gruyere.

Mostly now, I try to do small things really well. Sometimes this works. My salads and little puddings are (I’m told-honest-le-ah) simply to die for. My Biriayni a dream, my pasta sauce, a Portuguese delight.

Interestingly, the same person that first named "Phallus"…..er…Phallus now calls me… The Rector.

Despite, therefore, dropping eggs and running out of Madeira Cake for the Tiramisu, Food has always been my religion.

So good then….bring it on big boy !

JVIP

Two point seven seconds on a Bull named Fu Man Chu

Weekend over.

Managed through judicious planning to avoid London party and saw Pip for fleeting moments, shared in adversity, grasped at in Mazlovian need and lived, as if we were dying. No sky diving, rocky mountain climbing or bull called Fu Manchu involved thankfully.

Chelsea pulled it out the bag at the Millennium "boy’s vs. men" the tabloids say. Not sure myself. I’m a fan of neither but adore Jose’ and his raffish approach to the English game. Arsene, is held less affectionately in my head despite shaping a team of naive children to play like fully-fledged Brazilians. It’s probably the Gallic in him that does (or actually does not) do it for me. All this shrugging and "I didn’t see the incident" does my head in.

Beep-be-Beep is back and staying at the house. Watched, a DV compilation of Jules’ Later show with him. As ever, the voice of the professional musician is like ambrosia to my amateur ears. Particularly when he say’s things like "Paul Weller is a cock" A fact that has never been far from the surface of my consciousness.

Having him home for a few days is, at once both a joy and a hardship. Dynamics in my house tricky at best, strained at worst. Words come into my head like emotional absence, distancing and negativity. All of which serve to make me think of myself as a hateful person.

Work intrudes again today. I’m at the centre of a big project that runs out on March 9th. It’s a kudos job and success in this will ensure my star remains high in the firmament of the world that is the Public Services. Ultimate boss of same falls into a big category of people (in my life) who have very divided opinions about me. The fact she fucked over Pip badly about two years ago and still knows nothing of this Trojan horse in her midst is an exciting frisson tinged with danger and anxiety. I think she thinks I’m ok and uses me as a mouthpiece for presentation and the big stage. She also knows I’m (badly) a stream of consciousness person and so, putting me into the limelight, is like getting Jonathan Ross to present Question Time. Potentially Messy !

As I write this, I’m already working on a range of convincing head chatter for the day that includes effective "stop" statements. Trouble is, the smell of the crowd and the roar of the greasepaint is, as ever, a worrying dynamic, bringing out my maddest and most rebellious side. Danger Danger.

Needs must, however. And "Living like you were dying" is all there is ?

…………that’s right isn’t it ?

JVIP

You're a mean old daddy and I love you

When Friday comes, it’s usually a time when I can think "The weekend-fab-let’s party"

This weekend is not such an occasion.

Tonight, a difficult conversation with Thumper.

Tomorrow, up at four and to Heathrow to pick up Beep-Be-Beep.

He’s been recording a second album in Florida. Metal with a string Quartet apparently. Looking to a sell a million copies if the record company runs with it.

Late Saturday, aftermath of said "difficult" conversation.

Sunday, as yet, unplanned but maybe a long trip on trusty BMW to distant places to see ailing Aunt and then….mercifully…..Pip.

Maybe, however, a trip to the capital and attend a party. A party at which I will not like anybody, a party at which I will feel like a fish out of water, a party at which I will spend my time in cognitive dissonance……..you’ve guessed it…..dreaming of Pip.

Through all of this trial, one thing is for sure. The love of my life will continue to hold out her hand to me. She will support me and take what comes.

I pray she does not say to herself "You don’t really love me…..you just keep me hanging on"

In her heart, I hope she thinks, "You’re a mean old daddy and I love you"

JVIP

System Overload

Apparently, the Health Service is in crisis. Not only do we pay too much money for drugs to multi-nationals, but also in order to offer the “customer” a better service, surgeries are now going to open on a 24-hour basis. The idea being (presumably) that I’d be ok about walking into the doctors at 3 in the morning.

That would be (of course) about 3 hours before I normally get up and become (again) a slave to the machine that is my work. I don’t think so Tony!

Talking of ailing systems, regrettably, a couple of things that normally regulate my life are banjaxed. My home computer has been “De-ee’d”

and……..my diary. Now lost somewhere, with my entire life in it.

What has been quite good about this is the fact that Pip did not do or say what everyone else did and just try to solve this thing with “where did you last see it ?”

No No No…..not Pip.

Pip said, “I so feel for you…..I understand. I can feel the pain of it in you”

It was what I needed.

How could you not love her with a passion ?

JVIP

A wing and a prayer

JungleVIP’s daughter Dee-ee has been painting. She has been painting a bedroom in my house.

Unfortunately, whilst doing this she couldn’t keep her sticky little hands off my very very fragile old computer. A museum piece dating from 1996.

It has been updated but, in use, reminds me of those carrier-based aeroplanes they used to use in WW 2 called a Fairy Swordfish. They were nicknamed “stringbag” because of the wires that held the wings together.

Anyway, in Dee-ee’s case, a little knowledge is a dangerous thing and, in her desire to get online for some reason beyond the realms of this author’s understanding, and neglect painting duties (for which she was paid handsomely), she has truly banjaxed my computer… big-style.

Tangible results are that, currently, I can’t get on MSN, get error and security messages every 10 seconds and have had to re-load all the drivers for the hardware.

No Pip to talk to therefore.

I’m a very kind and caring VIP, but goodness, sometimes my patience is tried by that girl

Some paintjob huh ?

JVIP

Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll

Robbie’s in Rehab says the papers. Addiction to prescribed drugs.

What sort of things might they be? Someone at work suggested they prescribe Methadone as a pain killer in America (goodness) but apparently it’s more likely to be some sort of anti-depressant like Seroxat.

Max Clifford says Robbie is “ a genuinely troubled individual”

http://news.scotsman.com/uk.cfm?id=237932007


In my work I come across lots of late 30-something’s who, in their teens, have scrambled their heads with MDMA. Their ability to generate natural endorphins rendered hopeless.

Mostly, they exhibit symptoms of depression and an addiction to alcohol; the 160 beats to the minute music of love and togetherness being replaced by an altogether more discordant note of aggression and emptiness.

I’ve had my own equally pernicious addictions that have included almost legal drugs and Rock and Roll.

Mostly, however, it’s been intimacy with girls that has stimulated my dopamine. I have returned to that life time and time again. It has been the pattern of my life. Knowing Pip has made this addiction into something much more scary and real life.

Who needs Sex when you can have communion ?

Who needs artifice when you can have reality ?

Who needs Turtle Soup eaten from Gold Spoons when you can have the ambrosia of love ?

Poor Robbie

JVIP

Guitar Man

Jungle VIP likes the following guitars

Fender Stratocasters. Particularly early models from before 1962

Gibson Les Pauls, Particularly pre 1970 Blond Sunburst Finish

Gibson EC 355’s

Gibson SG’s

Fender Telecasters. Particularly if they are a James Burton model.

Gretch Les Paul Shape with a Bigsby wammey bar

I have catholic tastes,

Not for me PRS, Yamaha, Musicman or Vintage.

This is probably because I like the people that play the classics.

Pip plays a semi acoustic Ovation. I play an acoustic seagull. Jingle Jangle Jill meets Mellow Yellow It’s a good combination

We sing more and more and more and more. It’s a compulsion. An addiction to passion.
JVIP

Boy is back in town

JungleVIP is back !

Whether he’s still King of the Swingers I’ll leave you to judge.

I’ve been away for a bit. Staying with Pip. This weekend, I went to my Mother’s place. with Thumper. (more on this sometime)

Life with Pip is characterised by excitement, drama, passion, music and laughter. Sadness, a full heart and aching loss are feelings I have when I leave her.

Pip has been away with friends and, although having a groovy time, says she misses everything. She also says she has recognised changes in herself.

One of things I most love about Pip is her openness to everything new. I try to emulate her good example but fail mostly.

Speaking on the phone to her yesterday, she said “I’m getting to be picky about food” Nothing could have given me greater, or more lasting pleasure than this. Words like this sit in you like a warm stone right next to your heart. Heavy, and giving of energy.

Thing is, Pip would just eat anything without a face (fish excepted) until I met her.

She’s still a vegetarian of course, but put her in front of a Chef and Brewer, Beefeater or anything (in the Grand Met line) and she could be found tucking into “golden scampi and chips and garden peas” with the best of them.

The very house I visited this weekend was where, as a small child, I learnt how cooking (good cooking) is fundamental to a passionate life. Pip seems to have picked this up somehow. How I just love that woman !

JVIP

Its only Rock and Roll but I like it

Rock and Roll for beginners Part Two

I remember this particular event in my early life so well.

On a Saturday, I used to do an evening paper round from about ten year’s old.http://www.mediauk.com/newspapers/38907 This meant I couldn't’t go to my Nana’s house with my Mum and Dad for the afternoon.

Dad and Mum were away from the house, therefore, from about two-ish till nine, coming back in a black 100E Ford Prefect (coral pink seats) with my younger sister asleep in the back.

I lived in a country village away from any city bustle. We didn’t have a telly and .Saturday evenings were characterised, on winter’s evenings, by open fires, rubbing chilblains and listening to the radio mostly. Our old valve radio felt like a member of the family.

In particular, listening to Saturday Night Theatre on the Home Service was a secret pleasure. Plays were a wonderful way to see pictures in my head.

From productions of Sherlock Holmes to Quo Vadis, from the Archers to Dick Barton, the BBC had a wonderful drama department that sought to both entertain and educate ordinary people in those days.

In 1962/3 the Radio Pirates moored themselves off Frinton and, for any self-respecting youngster, listening to Radio Caroline and Radio London was hugely important to your culture despite being subject, to what I now know( because I was in the RAF and was an Electronic Engineer) as selective fading. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frequency_selective_fading

Additionally, Luxembourg-later known as Fabulous 208- was also an option http://www.offringa.nl/radioluxembourg.htm and played the popular tunes of the day, during the evenings inter spaced with exciting advertisements for Oveltine and the Horace Bachelor “Infer-draw method” A patented system for winning the football pools. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Horace_Batchelor

Anyway, I’m sitting at home one Saturday evening, alone with the radio. Luxembourg is on and I’m eating bread, cheese and pickles that my mum has left me. It is late winter and there has been a lot of snow.

On the radio there is a new noise. The presenter, Barry Aldis says, this is a new pop group called The Beatles. They are from Liverpool and have been playing in Germany.The unusual sound is of John Lennon playing a mouth-organ on the song “Love me do”

The impact was instant. I remember so well thinking, “that’s new, that’s different, didn't know whether to like it or not……but more to the point…..it's exciting, fantastic and English.

So, a second chapter in how English Rock and Roll found it’s voice in a boy’s heart.

It’s certainly been there ever since. More soon

JVIP

It's only Rock and Roll but I like it

Rock and roll for beginners Part One

In the beginning there was a boy. He listened to the radio in his Mum and Dad’s house all the time or, whenever he could at least. Mostly, he listened to shows for adults. But, Uncle Mac on a Saturday played light and popular tunes, stuff from America sometimes, comic songs and children’s favourites and the boy listened and listened and learned what he could.

Bill Hayley was all over the papers in 1955. Riots and torn-up cinemas. Men on motorbikes racing around. Drapes and quaffs; regarded by adults as aliens.

Elvis was around the corner with “That’s alright my momma” and the world turned its head.

It’s only now the man realises before Uncle Mac and “The runaway train” there was Amos,http://www.rhythmandtheblues.org.uk/artists/milburn.shtml and Hank http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hank_Williams and Woodie http://www.woodyguthrie.org/biography.htm and Jackie http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rocket_88 and Charlie http://www.rockabillyhall.com/RememberCharlie.html and Robert http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Robert_Johnson_(musician) and just about everybody.

There’s Glenn, there’s Art, there’s Stan, there’s Johnny and Duke too.

It’s only now this man realises Keith and Mick knew all about blues, country, rock-a-billy and swing when they were (maybe) 12 years old. Meeting on a railway platform in Dartford http://www.musicfor2.co.uk/sections/your_favourite_artists/mickandkeith1.jsp by chance and eyeing each other’s imported record collection, carried under the arm.

Just amazing !

How then, does this gauche, diffident, myopic and quite difficult little boy get to be a rock and roller?

I’ll tell you how now !

This Willi Nelson/Johnny Cash/John Prine wannabe got to hear “Brown Eyed Handsome Man” by Buddy http://rockgems.blogspot.com/2007/01/buddy-holly-brown-eyed-handsome-man.html when he was 8. It was the first record he ever bought. He wore it out in 3 months.

He’s been mad for guitars since that day.

JVIP

He's a liar and I'm not sure about you ?

Today: Bad Things I told my Kids.

That everything in the world before 1931 was in Black and White and that everybody walked around much quicker and in a jerky way.

That Paul Mcartney had fallen on very hard times and was working in Linda’a vegetarian pie factory for £150 a week and had to wear a white coat and one of those little ventilated trilby's.

That in America, most restaurants were called Burger Hut and Pizza King.

That SCUBA diving is a highly dangerous activity because the Scuba’s are really vicious.

That Kylie Minogue was really called Kylie Min-ogg-you because she was an Aboriginal Australian and changed her name for the English market

That Gordon the Gopher was Phillip Scofield’s son.

That Semolina and Jam was called Skelitor Pudding

That Bees make Honey and Wasps make Jam

Hopefully, they remain undamaged by this experience mostly.

JVIP