After the ball was over

There's been much energy dissipated over the appointment of Jacqui Oatley as a football commentator. For those not aware, she's a 5 live presenter at the moment who, I must say, strikes me as a girl who likes her football.

Commentating is a fine art and an appointment of anyone new to the business is a huge source of interest amongst football fans. Comments have been mixed as you might expect. From the down-right rude, through patronising to the "hope she does well" variety.

Thing is, as a commentator, you're always on the edge of Jonathan Ross world. That is, stream of consciousness thinking.

One of the things I try to teach to the men in my work is NOT, "have the thought, say the thing"

Rather, "Have the thought.......... consider the thought.............. ask yourself the question.......... do I need to modify the thought?....... if so what am i going to modify it with?......... "ah, I know, this one" ..........then say the thing.

So, its a complicated old business. How do you get so close to the edge of what your brain is telling you to say and letting yourself flow effectively?

With some difficulty, is the answer. And readers, that is why, some sports commentators either develop an over-stylised way of presenting the action to keep themselves safe, or, as in the case of many, come over like complete twats.

I have lovings and loathings in the world of sports commentary of course and I can say, quite safely, they are a big source of interest to me as a man who stands up and talks for a living.

Pip sometimes looks at me askance when I tell her very passionately, I can't stand him, or that I think she's a silly cow. But yes, sports commentary is an important business.

JVIP's Hall of Fame and Shame

Jonathan Pearce.........................................very wonderful

Alan Parry...................................................very very very wonderful

Martin Tyler...............................................very very very very wonderful

Andy Gray...................................................very very wonderful

Brian Jonston..............................................very very very very wonderful

John Arlott...................................................very very very very wonderful

Geoff Boycott...............................................very very very wonderful

Richie Benaud..............................................very very very wonderful

Brian Moore.................................................very very wonderful

Alan Green.................................................. Not very good

Ian Abrahams..............................................Not too bad

Graham Beecroft........................................Alan Partridge

And then there is "Motty"

who by common consent is simply dreadful on a huge huge huge scale. The BBC have lost thousands of viewers as a result of keeping hold of this buffoon of a man.

I simply cannot watch football with Motty on. Endless anorak schoolboy statistics, interspersed with blaming and shaming remarks, crass, very "little englander" comments about the play and all round fuckwittery of the highest kind.

So he's not on my Christmas card list and should (note i said should) be banned from broadcasting.

Jacqui Oatley will be a welcome face on the telly to me. My feeling is that the advice to all commentators as given by the great Richie Benaud (as the first law of TV commentary) is so important here

"The fewer words, the better"

So on that note

Good luck with it mate !

JVIP